Got attached to some coolguys and slowly revealed the way my brain was broken. They figured out that as long as you approach me from the front and keep me away from smaller livestock it’s not really an issue. Worked well with them. But then they asked me for expertise.

‘Hey, bro we need you. The other team says they’ve got a weirdo attached to them and we said you could tell if she was for real or just fucking with them like you do to us.’

Always happy to meet another of my kind, I followed them to the site the other team was occupying. The coolguys had isolated themselves and looked concerned. I felt like an exorcist finally arriving.

‘Hey guys, here’s our dude. He’s fucking weird but he’s solid. Autist, go scope her out.’

I walked over and saw her in the middle of a gaggle of joes. She was magnificent. Eyes spaced too far apart, hair cut with dull kitchen shears. An aura of nothingness radiated from her gaze. As a mere hybrid, I was momentarily stunned by her presence.

The coolguys huddled behind me. ‘She was asking us weird questions, bro. Asked if there were a lot of retards in the Middle East. Asked if we killed retards.’

I was struck. Truly this was a specimen of rare quality. I encouraged the coolguys to open their dialogue once again. They were hesitant and required assurances of Zynn and jetboil meals. The conversation continued. Stilted at first, but blooming into full magnificence as it progressed.

Then she said it.

She said the phrase that haunts me.

The funniest thing I’ve ever heard was uttered by this wide eyed gorgon. This gormless apparition of innocence. This monolith of neurodivergent ignorance.

‘So, do you think after all that war and stuff, do you think you might have, like, Post Traumatic Downs Syndrome?’

———————————————

Hours later, I awoke next to a small fire. The coolguys waited with bated breath. They knew I was to assess this oracle. They had no idea what they had stumbled upon.

‘She’s for real,’ I said, ‘she’s actually a fucking weirdo. What the fuck was that? Did you guys hear that shit?’

Then I wept.