Don’t know where to start this but I’m just venting. I’m tired, I’m tired and I’m running out of fucks to give this place. I’m not sure how to go about this so please bear with me and I apologize if this seems like just rambling, I’m just writing this out as it comes to my mind.

I’m getting burnt out but at the same time I feel like “I’m not allowed to”. Like I didn’t….earn it? I know that’s not they way to put it into words but it’s the best way I can think of it at the moment. To bring this into understanding, I’m a tanker. I love tanks, I think it’s an awesome job and I would gladly encourage anyone to take a look at being one if they ever thought of it…but the army makes it suck so fucking much some days. I’m still relevantly new in the army, just hitting over 4 years, but goddamn I used to be motivated. I did everything I was asked of me and more. “We need a platoon armorer, you’re it” -rgr sar’nt

“We need you to go to soldier of the month and crush it” -rgr sar’nt

“We’re doing EIA training, your TC wants you to get that fancy coin” -rgr sar’nt

“Platoon daddy wants a new gunner and says your hot shit, grab the Cadillacs” -rgr sar’nt

“Commander needs a new primary armorer, don’t worry you’ll still be your platoon daddy’s gunner” -rgr sar’nt

“CSM says ESB matters now, go get it” -rgr sar’nt

“Now that you have ESB you need to train other soldiers to get their ESB” -rgr sar’nt

“1st Sausage says you need stripes, go crush the promo board” -rgr sar’nt

“You’re a good teacher and mentor, go help these soldiers and sponsor them to their SOM and promo boards”-rgr sar’nt

“You’re doing so well as primary armorer and platoon daddy’s gunner that they want you to be the commanders gunner…still armorer though”-……rgr sar’nt

“Hey I know you’re busy being commanders gunner and primary armorer, but our master driver needs some help. You seem pretty smart, go help him out” -rgr sar’nt, shit, I mean First Sar’nt.

I did 90% of that in my first 2 1/2 year….I’m not trying to gloat or say I’m anything special….but fuck, I tried my best and all I gets me is more work.

I wanted to be a gunner and that was my goal, did everything and showed I was motivated and knowledgeable enough to do the job. Was eventually made a Gunner fairly early (I was a PFC at the time and gunners are generally meant for E5s) by outshooting and out knowing other seasoned gunners. Before all this I was also an alternate armorer for my platoon. Primary armorer ETS’ and I was the only one the commander trusted, for whatever reason. But I wanted to keep my gun slot. If I wanted to keep my gun slot I’d have to pull double duty being a gunner on the line and a primary armorer, but don’t worry…it’s “temporary”.

2 1/2 years, 2 command teams later I’m still doing all this extra shit that no one else at my level seems to need to be doing. From the looks of it they’re just gonna pile on and keep expecting more. I’ve talked to my previous, and now current, commanders and first lines and all I get are empty promises and moved goal posts. It’s starting to get to me… This last year I can easily tell I’ve been on a mental decline….my hobbies aren’t enjoyable anymore, my personal relationships have been more or less severed, I’ve noticed a fairly large uptick in my drinking, and I’ve gained almost 30 pounds in the last year from the stress and lack of motivation to keep myself in decent shape (yeah yeah, insert fat tanker joke here). All of this and I’m still more worried of failing at my tasks. It’s getting to the point that I’m making more and more mistakes and more worried of seeming like a failure and unreliable than I am of being mentally healthy. I’m at loss and I’m getting worn out.

We’re going overseas soon and I know it’s just going to get nuttier over there. My only hope is that it’ll make my hyper focus on my job(s) so I can tune out anything negative.

Sorry for this rant but…I’m tired boss. Oh and I guess I’ll take a 5 piece and some fries….Diet Coke though, starting to get a little tight in the gunner’s station.