Hi, all. Where to start? This is the first time I’ve actually spoken about this, so forgive me as I try to summarize what I’ve bottled for decades.

I signed a contract with the Army back in 1986 or 1987. I was still in high school (age 16 or 17?) and was signed under the DEP (Delayed Entry Program). I was a smart student with good grades and a knack for languages, so I was going to be a linguist and so excited for my future! Then my recruiter raped me. I didn’t file a police report or anything official except to report it to someone else in the recruiting office, just so that I could deal with someone else and not him. I think he ended up getting just a slap on the wrist, as I saw him continue as a recruiter after that, but I never heard anything official. I didn’t even tell my parents.

Now here’s where it gets fuzzy — I ended up in the Navy in a completely different not-interesting (to me) field and hated it. My mind likes to hide memories from me, so I can’t remember if the switch was because I was mad about how I was dismissed (I remember that I was, but I don’t remember if that was the reason I got switched) or if it’s because I ended up having issues due to the rape and dropped out of high school. Maybe I no longer fit what they wanted because of that? I can’t remember, but I spiraled. The Navy, however, had no problem with a high school dropout, so I don’t think that was the reason I switched services. I took whatever field had an immediate opening.

When I signed in the Navy, it was the Naval Reserves at first. I know those recruiters knew about the rape because they tried to make me feel better. “Oh, you’ll be much happier in the Navy anyway because look how these uniforms add to your curves and make you more attractive!” Yeah, thanks, guys.

Once I was in, I was also raped at the end of boot camp by one of the company commanders (not mine, but a nearby one). Then things just further devolved from there, but I’m not up to recounting it all at the moment.

Once I was finished with active duty for training, I was released to my reserve unit. Not long after that, I decided I could not adapt to life and re-joined as regular active duty Navy. There were some other incidents, but after a while, you just go numb.

I have survived in this numb state until recently. I can’t live like this anymore. I mean, I can, but I certainly don’t want to. What triggered considering filing for MST PTSD is a couple of years back, a vet fella at an employment center was asking about which branches I was in. I told him I was briefly signed for the Army under DEP but some stuff happened and I switched. Whatever expression crossed my face made him get suddenly very serious and, very gently and without prying, he told me about MST PTSD, that there are programs to help, and I could likely file for compensation from that. I mulled on that for a year or so and requested my military records so I could begin to build a timeline. My records never came, and I chickened out and just let it drop.

Now, I think I have to face it and just push through. It’s like having a baby. You’re screaming for someone to push that damn monster back where it came from so you don’t have to deal with the pain. And it works for about two minutes. But that baby is coming out whether you like it or not. That’s what this feels like.

I can’t live like this anymore.

Once I got out of the Navy, I ran away and never looked back. I don’t know what it’s like now, but back then, you didn’t report anything unless you were bleeding out and/or missing a limb. You especially didn’t say anything about rape or any sort of sexual assault. I never knew there were treatment programs. I never knew about possible compensation. I didn’t know any of this until that vet employment fella brought it up a couple of years ago. Sounds silly, I know.

I’ve no idea if the recruiter rape will work for a claim since I was only in the DEP, but that was certainly the first and biggest trigger of everything that went down in my life after that. The other rapes and assaults were when I was AD, so those will count if I can somehow prove my case. But I really hate opening this can of worms and the wounds it is going to rip back open.

In the past few months, I’ve started reading this sub and never spoken out. I’ve just been absorbing and trying on the feelings that it brings up. Thanks to you guys, I have reached out the the DAV and will soon be making an appointment to discuss the possibility of filing a claim. More importantly, and also thanks to the folks in this sub, I have discovered that vet centers exist. I contacted one of my local ones and made an appointment. It’s a few weeks away, but just making that call and agreeing to an intake appointment was a huge, huge step for me.

I don’t know that I have any questions yet. Or maybe I have too many questions. But I just had to take the first step and put this out there. It feels important somehow. Thanks, guys, for being here, especially for those of us not yet able to speak up.

Apologies for being so wordy. For most of my adult life, the written word has been my only friend, and I tend to process through writing.