I've been out a long time. I move back to the 90s when the very last of the Vietnam era guys were still around. There was a darkness to those guys sometimes. A lot of the Vietnam guys were fucked up, my dad included. Those Tops and SGMs never really stepped away from the military to get some perspective‍ on things. I don't know what my dad would have done without healthy amounts of Marijuana until he finally started to get treatment. Don't let the fear stop you. It is not all about taking meds. At the VA they try and hit u with talk therapy b4, or along with meds. Start some support groups and do self guided talk therapy. Reach out to a vets group, I bet they got guys who are experienced at setting up AA style support systems. No one is saying get sober, just talk some shit out sometimes. There is no shame in asking for help from a buddy. A guy falls in a hole, and he can't get out. He sees a priest walking by, and asks for help. The Priest says "I will pray for you my son" and walks away. A doctor walks by, and he asks the doctor for help. The doctor says "here is a script for a drug that might help" and walks away. A psychologist walks by, and the guy asks for help. The psychologist asks about how the guy got in the hole and then walks away . Then the guy sees an old friend walk by, and asks for help. The old friend jumps in the hole. The guy says "now we are both stuck here". The old friend says "I've been here before and I know the way out". Help is out there and there are ways to get it without jeopardizing your career.