That’s right. I woke up this morning and was tired of being a total piece of shit. Threw away my fitted sheets and bought myself some curtains and fabric from Joann’s and made my bed with pristine hospital corners. The corners were so sharp I sliced my finger open, I swear to God. I then realized that the only way I could truly have a faded and tapered appearance would be to remove all of my hair entirely, so that’s what I did. Spent 7 hours working on my “AT EASE” and “______ ATTENTION” in case in ever to be in the presence of a superior. Then, as I was walking down the hall, I noticed the picture of Command Sergeant Major Weimer, and realized there was one thing left I had to do before I could truly be the perfect soldier.

I shaved 17 times.

Sure my face is entirely dried out from the shaving cream. And yeah, I probably didn’t need to use shaving cream after the 3rd time because my face was as smooth as a baby’s ass. But if I did that, I wouldn’t be following the 3 D’s:

Discipline, discipline, and most importantly, DISCIPLINE.

So there you have it. That’s how I stopped being a total shitbag. The best part of it all though?

I did it all on the weekend.

I’ll take a new razor and some shaving cream, my old ones are all worn out.