True Iraq Confessions

I have a deployment confession to make. A long time ago while deployed in 2009, I was with my platoon stationed at FOB Marez outside Mosul, Iraq. During that time, we were forward deployed to an Iraqi Prison to support an Iraqi Police company there along with patrolling outlying villages.

One evening, while reading a book on my time off, I was interrupted by a loud banging on the door to my CHU. SGT H was irate and began yelling at me when I answered. I was immediately dropped and began doing pushups and flutter kicks as punishment. I did not know why I was being punished and yelled at.

After 10 minutes, SGT H, yelled at me "Now go clean the latrines and take the trash to the burn pits!" I responded, "SGT H, I already had the guys clean the latrines and we burned the trash at the burn pits." He then said, "Oh, my bad" and left me there on the ground, sweating, covered in a thin layer of dusty sand from the deserts of Iraq.

My unwarranted punishment caused a level of outrage and indignation to develop inside me. A plan slowly developed in my mind as I picked myself up off the ground. Vengeance would be mine.

I stretched myself to remove the soreness from my aching muscles and went over to the food storage CHU. Quickly, I rifled through the boxes of canned food until I found what I needed. There it was. A glint of sunlight reflected off the instrument of my revenge.......a single can of Starfish Tuna.

I walked out to the vehicle ready line and opened the armored door to the 31 humvee. The sound that the tuna can made as it was opened was the sound of divine retribution. I slipped the can under the drivers seat and closed the door. The hot desert sun of Iraq would complete my revenge.

The next day, as we readied to go out on mission, I saw the 31 crew open the humvee doors and recoil in shocked disbelief at the odor that wafted out. To this day, I regret the pain and suffering I inflicted on G-moeny, Willy G, and the Lt. They were unfortunate collateral damage in my quest of my revenge.

Over the next few days I watched with both glee and sadness as the 31 crew dealt with the aftermath of the tuna can exposure. Glee at my revenge and sadness for my friends. Post mission, I recall walking past the 31 vic with all the doors open and SGT H yelling at my poor fellow soldiers to find the cause of the smell while the LT stood over saying, "I dont smell anything." Another day, I walked past SGT H telling the mechanics that the cause of the smell was hydraulic fluid leaking from the turret and they needed to fix it.

I almost broke. I almost gave up and told them the source of the smell. It was about two days into my revenge as I joined my crew getting our Humvee ready for mission. I walked past one of my friends, poor, poor G-money who finally had enough. He picked up his body armor and slammed it on the humvee hood and yelled. "Why does my armor smell like dirty P@#$Y!" His pain and discomfort almost broke me. He was one of my favorite fellow Soldiers. How could I do this to him? G-money, if you out there, please forgive me. I said "almost." I didn't break. My quest for revenge outweighed my love for my fellow Soldiers.

3 days after G-money's outburst, there was banging on my door once again. I opened my door and there was SGT H. Standing with rage and anger at my door. He said "So, I was cleaning out my humvee and you wont guess what rolled out from under my driver's seat.......A can of tuna." upon which he produced the offending can. "So" he continued "you wouldn't know anything about this would you." I replied "No SGT H. I wouldn't know anything about that and I would never rat out my Gunner, SGT Big Mango, SGT H. I would never rat SGT Big Mango out." Upon which I began to shut my door. As the door closed, I heard SGT H mutter, "Oh, I got something for him." as he turned and walked away. As he left, I heard the soft crunch of the gravel and rocks beneath his boots. What happened after that, I'll never know.