Caveats: Never went to war, never did a combat deployment, tried to go to Afghanistan a few times, Army kept saying no. I led an overall mediocre career, and have regrets about the things I did or didn’t do in the Army. Also, Officer Humor is way worse than Enlisted Humor. The “No Punching Down” rule of comedy was missed by a lot of my peers. But there will be an attempt here.

I was an Armor Officer, and more closely identified with the Tank half of the Branch than the Scouts. I’m not sneaky, like big guns, and having my weapon carry me. One of my old Commanders used to describe Tankers as “Cooks who were good at Battle.” I thought this was a rude comparison and thought “Soldiers, who, when able, preferred to be comfortable while fighting” fit Tankers much better. In honor of my comfortable compatriots, I thought about the better and worse ways I’d slept while Army Camping so, “Sleeping in the Field: A Tier List” or “An Officer Occasionally Was Inconvenienced Whilst Catching his Beauty Rest, But Only a Few Times” proceeds below.

Background Literature Review

F Tier:

• Just not sleeping or "It's only XX hours bro"

  These are the circumstances under which I discovered visual hallucinations due to sleep deprivation. Seeing the Jolly Green Giant in full battle rattle emerge from the Georgia woods at 4 am is terrifying.

• First time at NTC as a Butter Bar

  There have been about 3 or 4 times during my Army career that I have had, what I recognize today, a panic attack. Once as a Cadet, twice as a Butter Bar, and a full blown one as a Captain (CPT). A story for another time, but I believe there are the acceptable conditions and Tactics, Techniques and Procedures, for crying, weeping and otherwise losing all military bearing in an Army approved way (alone, without impacting work, and with no visible signs afterwards). My first trip to NTC produced one of those panic attacks. Having no official sleeping area, no home vehicles (Heavy brigade) and being a dumb 2LT without an NCO woobie really impacts one’s ability to figure out where to sleep after several days of 20 hour shift+staff work.

  The TOC-Mahal initially sported an area one could lay down in, but that led to the problem of being woke up during the night several times when the digital Map system would go down and needed to have the graphics re-inserted (offline saving being a feature yet to be added [or some demented form of Army DRM], because the war of the future would never have interrupted internet connections). Sleeping on a ramp of one of the staff vehicles within the main TOC also had the same disadvantages as the previous sleep area (when it had been removed), but also invoked the ire of the MAJs.

  One Evening (or early morning) the angriest SGM I ever met (who for whatever reason was cordial with officers), took pity on my sleep-deprived ass, and spent 30 minutes hunting down an area for me to sleep. We (he) found an unmanned vic, threw me in, and I practiced the Quasimodo School of Vehicle Sleep (QSoVS), helmeted-head on dash and IOTV unbuttoned.

  Another Evening I remember, I finally got off shift, walked about 50 meters away from the TOC, sank to my knees, and just had a good little sniffle. Life was rough, for an officer, not at war, lost in the sauce, only suffering sleep depravation and limited MRE availability. Finishing my pity party of one, I followed up some intel I had gathered about an LMTV stuffed with cots, found one, and politely squatted in a roped off enlisted sleeping area I found nearish the TOC.

  Eventually the 2LTs unionized, acquired Cots, Engineer tape, and staked a claim close, but not too close, to the now reduced in size TOC-Mahal for the last few days of NTC. Happy ending all around, crushed spirits not withstanding.

• On the ground in the swamp.

  Bugs, more bugs, over 100% humidity (like trying to breathe mayonnaise through a screen door), ground’s hard, you’re dirty, just the bivy sack is too hot. Somehow you still get wet even if it doesn’t rain. It rains, there is no wind, only pain.

• Being cold and wet.

D Tier:

• Just being wet.

• The Office.

  Technically not the field but for some reason when I became a CPT during COVID, sleeping in my office became a frequent occurrence. Both as a COVID reduction technique (it made sense if you didn’t think about it), some form of self-punishment when I had troops on a field-problem I planned, but couldn’t work out transportation to them, or Insomnia insurance (couldn’t oversleep your alarm if you were already at work).

  Sleep quality ranged from terrible to somewhat luxurious (inflatable mattress and mink blankets). But the soul sucking aspect of being in the worst possible iteration of ground hog day (Wake up, do staff work, simulate warfare at night, go to sleep during PT, lie awake as you think about what example you are setting for your troops, repeat), pushes this to D tier, and if I’m being honest should probably go to F tier, but that inflatable mattress was nice.

• QSoVS:

  Helmet on head John Wayne Style, Head on dashboard, wearing an IOTV with the Velcro undone. Getting kicked when it was your turn for guard duty. Just not super fun.

• Top of an up-armoured Humvee when it rains. The bivy eventually failed. I had to snake my way back inside with ‘naught but my underwear and resume QSoVS.

• Abandoned Higher HQ Building, when the heater craps out in the Korean winter:

  5 minutes of hot water, a small space heater begged off of the rear-d NCO made this “Survivable,” the somehow working NIPR made the space necessary. It was cold, really cold though.

C Tier: Most “Traditional” Forms of field sleep. Not great, not terrible.

• Side of hill during Tank Gunnery in tanker jammies with chicken vest at just about the perfect temperature when you’ve been told you’re next up for the past 6 hours: Meh

• Cot on Ground: Meh

• Working Sleep Pad on Ground: Meh

• Hooch when raining and properly irrigated:

  Actually, this gets upgraded to B tier

• Armored vehicle sleeping when you don’t know what you’re doing:

  It’s the creature features that massively improve sleep quality, steel and aluminum aren’t the softest.

B Tier:

• Hammock life in the swamp:

  The only way to get half-way decent sleep when it’s stupid hot and humid, easy to set up when you get used to it, tactically probably not that great, but when you’re surrounded by tan vehicles the green hammock gets a pass.

• Proper Hooch when it rains:

  Bored NCOs who like to train Cadets are a God-Send. 2 Hours waiting for transportation turned into a lesson on what bungee cords and a poncho can do in the woods, resulting in me being dry a year later in Washington State. Being dry while others (dirty cadets) are getting soaked somehow massively improves sleep quality.

• Abandoned HQ Buildings in the Korean Fall when the heater worked:

  Still 5 minutes of hot water, but once I figured that out, I managed. I got left alone, could do my work on the NIPR and played a lot of Zelda on the Switch. Nice.

• Strykers with slightly too many people: Still decent.

• Burrito Roll on the Tank after a Korea War 2: Electric Boogaloo scare:

  Helmets and IOTVs aren’t the softest to sleep on but the 5 second setup time and built in tarp blanket were nice.

A Tier: or Tank Life

• Sleep pad and back hatch of a Brad with the chock block:

  Good airflow, decently comfy, if you don’t have dismounts downright luxurious amount of space.

• Driver’s position in a Tank:

  Pretty much a lazy boy, airflow limited but great for cool nights. Excellent for tactical naps, just wake the fuck up when I yell at you on the intercom.

• That one spot on the top turret of the M1A2 SEPv2 with the Flex 50:

  You can angle the 50 cal up in the air and drag one of the tarps to make a pup tent. Angle of the turret makes sure water doesn’t pool, stayed very dry. Ground pad a must, but it was a lovely experience

• Back deck of the tank in Korean winter:

  Oh so warm. The Abrams is the world’s greatest hair dryer and no one can tell me different. Ground pad moderates the heat and softens the steel. Little noisy but I was warm and dry.

• Holiday Inn:

  You know those folks you meet in the Army and go “Are we really in the same Army?” Because their day-to-day, mission and overall Army Experience (TM) was completely different than anything you've ever heard of or experienced. I got to be in a unit like that for a bit. Not a night under the stars, all TDY and “Field” Event days ended at a decent hotel, dinner at a restaurant, and we got per-diem, even the junior enlisted. Massive mission issues and our purpose in life wasn’t well-defined, and the use of tax-payer dollars edged on the Waste/Abuse line. But, occasionally I thought we made a difference. Overall, airline miles and credit card points were nice.

S Tier:

• Up-armored Humvee with sliding trunk access on top of everyone’s B Bags.

  Socks and spare uniforms make for a wonderful mattress filler. Add in a woobie, slight airflow by cracking the rear-trunk, Chef’s Kiss, best sleep I’ve ever had in the field. 3rd go-around at NTC was wild; somewhat healthy sleep patterns, my job made sense, we made an occasional dent in OPFOR and somehow had hot-meals every day. My favorite time in the Army was a 3-day period on top of a mountain, playing re-trans for my commander. Beautiful views… I peaked as a 1LT.

I got into the hammock life late in my Army career so I never experimented with all the ways you could use them in Armored vehicles. I’ve heard Stryker + hammock is S-Tier. I’m interested in the better or worse sleep circumstances folks have had, if you want to share, but do what you want, I’m not a cop.

Dedicated to u/AnathemaMaranatha, u/BikerJedi, u/sarah_1182, Sterling G. Mace, that one air force guy with the funny stories, and other fine examples of humanity present here on the platform. I have gained perspective, been provided good and bad examples, and received excellent humor reading your stories. In whatever small ways, you helped me along my way.

EDIT: Grammar, Spelling or Mechanics

EDIT 2: Forgot about the mesh stretchers the medics have. The medical variant of the 113 also has AC, A Tier bordering on S-Tier.