If he finds out who did it we're all dead
Posted on
I accidentally hijacked the comment section on a post about coffee in r/pettyrevenge. It brought back a story though when I was young and thought I was a salty sailor stationed overseas.
As most if not all of you know; one of the things most military people pride themselves on is their coffee and their coffee mugs. The blacker the ring inside the saltier the sailor, and over my career I've seen some so black I'm surprised the person didn't die after drinking out of them.
I had a new E2 assigned to my section and we had the midwatch. I told him to go clean up the coffee mess area because senior chief had been bitching that everybody was leaving it a disaster.
I didn't think about twice about telling him to go do it. I've told Junior sailors to go clean the coffee mess area thousands of times in my career never even dawned on me to give him exact instructions on what to do.
It's coffee mess, FFS. Rinse out any mugs, hang them up, wipe down the counters, and clean the coffee pot if necessary. Simple shit right??? Those three little words that could end your life.
I I couldn't even tell you how long he was over there doing it out of sight out of mind.
A couple of hours later Sully (another guy on watch with us) goes to get himself some coffee and screams like a little b*****. As I get up and walk towards him I make some comment about big strong sailors scared of a spider.
Little did I know what Sully screamed about would cause me to pray for death and beg every deity known to man for protection.
The coffee mess area was immaculate a surgeon would have operated on those countertops with pride. Spots that I had previously assumed were part of the countertop were gone.
Then I saw it the coffee mugs oh sweet Jesus. All of the coffee mugs are hanging up on their respective hooks are glistening white. They look like they're brand damn new.
Sully has his coffee mug in his hand and is staring into it with a look of absolute horror on his face. The inside of the coffee mug is glistening white too f*** f*** f*** f*** f***.
I ever so gently pick up Senior Chiefs coffee mug and it too is glistening white inside and out. I grab another cup ,and another, and another, and another. Every mug looks like it had just been purchased I don't think I've ever seen coffee mugs that clean in my entire life.
I'm now leaning on the counter holding myself up my life is passing before my eyes and I turn and yell for my E2 who cleaned the area; he comes over big smile on his face and says I did a good job didn't I.
Sully charges at him screaming what did you do. I managed to grab him by the belt loops, and stop him from making physical contact.
I quickly gather the rest of the watch section together in the coffee mess area and I show them what it happened. Everyone is in shock The E2 now looks confused, and scared.
I reminded everyone that if senior chief found out who did this we were all dead. Luckily for us it was a Sunday evening so every watch section has been in since Friday. There's no way to really prove who did it if we keep our mouth shut.
Everyone agrees and I send them back to their positions and I explain to my young sailor what he did and why it was so bad. You know how they say things can't get worse yeah stupid people say that all the time and that night, I by was stupid.
As I'm talking to him he tells me that he used simple green and a greeny meanie pad to remove all the stains. Those of you who don't know simple green will leave a very nasty aftertaste in the porcelain and you can't get rid of it no matter how many times you wash it.
Then I realized he also cleaned the glass coffee pot.
I'm very glad I was not there the next morning when Senior Chief came in. The relief not knowing what had happened made fresh coffee. Senior chief while losing his mind over his mug poured himself a cup of coffee tasted it, and then flung the entire coffee pot into the sink breaking it.
When I came in for the midwatch the next night all of the coffee mugs were gone there was a new coffee pot with a giant sign informing everyone that if he finds out who did it the authorities will never find enough of the individuals body to be identify them.
Hey Senior Chief, If you ever find this post I'm still not going to tell you who did it
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