Dear Reader, have you ever found yourself hopelessly pondering an unanswerable Life Question? I have yet to make any notable progress, but I continually ponder the most unanswerable Life Questions. I mean, being the first to solve one of these many Life Questions is a sure to be met with an unmeasurable level of gratitude. I understand my quest may be futile, but they will never be answered if fools like me dare not ponder.

Fruitless And Humbling Questions, abbreviated as (FAH-Q)

1. How valuable does one’s life need to be for a murder to be categorized as an assassination?
2. Can we really ponder a world without hypothetical solutions?
3. Why is “Slept like baby” used to describe satisfying slumber when all parents know freshly minted Crib-Midgets wake every two hours to eat and/or produce bum-slugs?
4. Do we really need to make appointments with psychics?
5. Just, EXACTLY WHAT, was Hawk thinking when he did…?

Dear Reader, the last baffling question produced many of sleepless nights during my tenure as Hawk’s first-line supervisor. It was certainly mentally unhealthy, but I frequently ponder Hawk’s thought process. My savior during these tragic mental bouts were the poetic words of the great poet Homer J. Simpson. “The first step to failure, is trying.”

Figuring A Hawk’s Questionable Methodology Enrages, appropriately abbreviated as (FAHQ-ME)

As stated in a previous Post, my discussion with Parker illuminated multiple Hawk stories. Welcome to the other Dear Reader. I will start said story after my inappropriately placed rant. Parker and I discussed many Hawk One-Liners You Should Hear Immediately Though.

HOLY SHIT!!!

Honestly, HOLY SHIT! My brain is so fantastical that I typed “Hawk One-Liners You Should Hear Immediately Though” and then realized my unintended brilliance. Did you know Columbus was dead set on finding a direct water route from Europe to Asia but failed? Epic fail, right?!? Well, Columbus accidently discovered America. I honestly believe my unintended brilliance holds me in the high esteem of Columbus. Excluding the sexual slavery, general slavery, tyrannical torture of indigenous people, and all the other horrible shit of course. Strictly acronym and America parallels here.

HOLY SHIT – Leadership Moments

Uno

Leader: Sloppy, the Battalion Commander caught Hawk peeing off Tower One.

Sloppy: Again?

Secondo

First Sergeant: Why is Hawk at the Aid Station now?

Sloppy: Entangled himself in C-Wire (Concertina-wire).

First Sergeant: Again?

Trifecta

Soldier: Why does he keep feeding that Iraqi wolfhound that gave him stitches?

Sloppy: “I thought he was just really hungry Sergeant!”

Quatro

Thunderous screaming from Company Command Post, at the opposite end of building

Irate First Sergeant, because…

First Sergeant: HAWK. IF. I. SEE. That SHIT-EATING-GRIN AGAIN. I am going to (Voice Level One-Hundred Percent And Then Some) I will FUCK-START YOUR FACE WITH (Pointing) HIS DICK!

Teammates all staring with “Wow-Faces.”

Five Spot

Towel-wearing Hawk returns from shower

Singing

A Hawk original

Hawk: I’m in combat, but I have a great life. (Looking at Brady) Cause I jack-off to your hot wife!

Brady waits for Hawk to wear anything other than towel

It’s on like Donkey Kong – “playful” physical violence initiated

Hawk is not built to win, anything

Except…

Hawk: (Painful Grunts) Don’t drag me to the floor. (Noises) If I get muddy from the floor (Loud Painful Scream) I am showering, AND JACKING OFF TO YOUR…

Brady learns some fights are not worth winning

ACTUAL STORY

Hawk was my Soldier and I was therefore responsible for educating the young and mentally feeble Hawk. There are many Dear Readers who have read and reread every single Hawk saga. However, even these most knowledgeable of Dear Readers cannot fathom how difficult it was to “learn Hawk.” Seriously, teaching a pig why super-ion-beams and advanced target concepts are vital for effective thermonuclear microbomb rocket propulsion is a more achievable goal. There was a “supply-chain shortage” on intellectual output and commonsense throughput during the creation of Hawk. Also, despite their superb intelligence, there is a dire shortage of pigs in Iraq.

Dear Reader: Wait, I know for a fact you can get pork in Iraq.

Sloppy: Pork? Teaching a Boston Butt thermonuclear microbomb rocket propulsion is preposterous. I required the entire Bacon-Baby, and they were not offered in my patch of Iraq.

There was a lot of trial-and-error, but I would eventually learn that Hawk could also learn. And what a tragic revelation that became. They were never vitally important triumphs, and certainly nothing worth writing home for. They were much better suited for Reddit twenty-years later. Dear Reader, I taught Hawk how to circumvent some of the restrictions imposed at our FOB (Forward Operating Base) internet café.

We were not as technologically showered during the 2000’s. Sending an email was more akin to the local Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV). Take a number. Ponder Life Questions. Get lucky, and then spend a luxurious twenty-minutes waiting for a webpage to populate, only to regret every single life choice that led you to “that” specific ass-sweat-soaked chair, and leaving before your time is up.

Dear Reader, I was never a quitter. I still went to the internet café. I simply altered my objective. I was now strictly hunting laughs. Double-U, Double-U, Double-U Porn dot com had no chance of bypassing a DISA (Defense Information Security Agency) filter. Yes, I am aware there are ways, but time management was critical. I immediately set the Screen and Sleep setting to one-minute, and then proceeded to Wikipedia.

Please see below Wikipedia link

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/a/a9/Autofel.svg/1024px-Autofel.svg.png

Some of you may have bypassed the link. I am only slightly offended, because you are clearly new to Sloppy stories, and fail to understand I would never mislead you.

Recap

1. Sleep time set to one minute
2. Open Wikipedia
3. Wait for next opening computer and immediately float seats when another computer opens for the duration of my allotted time
4. Make wild accusations when prey transitions to victim

This was one of the very few things Hawk would commit to memory during the entire deployment. I had inadvertently developed a Wikipedia prodigy. He was dedicated too. Hawk would ensure he had a healthy Teammate buffer in line to immediately come to his defense and counter factual accusations with Fake News. Lastly, I should mention this specific Wikipedia picture was not a sketch during the early 2000’s. It was an incredibly limber real-life human.

Internet Café

1. Teammates login before Hawk
2. Hawk logs in and immediately sets screen sleep timer to one-minute and navigates to Wikipedia
3. More Teammates login after Hawk
4. Hawk relocates to different computer and waits

Scenario One

Teammate: What the fuck are you looking at?

Victim: (Shock-and-Awe) I wasn’t looking at it. It was already up.

Teammate 2: You pervy fuck!

Victim: I swear it was not me…

Scenario Two

Teammate: What the fuck are you looking at?

Prey (With Fight): Bullshit. It was (Pointing at Hawk) that guy. He moved…

Teammate 2: No. BULLSHIT! I seen you login and pull it up you nasty bastard.

Prey Becomes Victim: Attention is bad. CLOSE TAB. CLOSE TAB. CLOSE TAB!

Scenario Three

Fast-forward

Teammate: What the fuck are you looking at?

Not Prey: Fuck you dude, it’s free porn!

Dear Reader, I am unhappy to report this sequence of events became a staple. It started with post-victory laughing. It then transitioned into tally keeping. Then tally keeping became refined by Victim-Prey criteria. Then tobacco betting became a serious high-or-low for some Soldiers.

Dear Reader: This has to get old at a small FOB, right?

Yes, it certainly did. Then the shenanigans transitioned to adjacent Super FOBs. They were a glorious place where the near-beer flows like grape juice where the beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. Places where internet cafés had enough empty computers for Hawk to ravage half the computers. So many so, Soldiers swore computer viruses also flocked like the salmon of Capistrano. Which leads me to the reason why this became an unhappy learning revelation. My Battalion Command Sergeant Major was unphased because this was comical. The Super FOB leadership did not share the same sentiments.

Sloppy: HAWK!!! Why is First Sergeant yelling at you now?

Hawk: (Shit-Eating-Grin) For all the autofellatio screen savers we put at FOB NAME today.

Hysterical laughter

Loud footsteps

Footsteps getting closer

Highly engineered plywood door with water-bottle-closing-system KICKED OPEN

First Sergeant stares at Hawk

Hawk wins, First Sergeant laughs

First Sergeant looks at Sloppy

Failed composure attempt

First Sergeant: Sloppy. I get it. This shit is hilarious, BUT IF I GET ANOTHER CALL FROM SUPER FOB CSM, I’m now going to use your dick to FUCK START HIS FACE!

Door slams

Footsteps fade

First Sergeant: FUCK! FUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK. They don’t pay me enough for this shit!

Sloppy: Hawk…

Hawk: I never told him you taught me Sergeant.

Sloppy: (Failed Composure) Shit stops right here, right now.

Hawk: (Hawk Grin) Still never told him…

Sloppy: Because I would make you limber enough to fuck start your own face!

No-fail Hawk

Hawk: Because my dick is so biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggg!

The End

Friendly reminder folks. I have brilliant former Teammates, and I this is some advice I received awhile back. Set calendar reminders on your phones for Holidays, Anniversaries, and Random Dates. When those alarms go off we simply text, “I was just thinking about you and…” you’ll be making a world of change. We police our own this year, and we can thankfully repeat this next year. Seems insignificant to some but is life-or-death for our Brothers and Sisters. Please feel free to invade my DMs because I will always be an ear.

Happy New Cheers,

Sloppy

EDIT: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQJjWhSTgEI

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