This is a story as old as the hills, I'm pretty sure it's been being told in some form or another since Pontius Pilate first saluted the Emperor! Anyway, it made me laugh when I first heard it way back when I joined up in 97 so I thought I'd tell you the tale of how I heard the story during my military service.

At the time I was a mechanic in a logistic support workshop, I was new to the army but fitting in well, young and fit, we worked hard and played hard*

Anyway, I'd been doing a brake reline on a Scammel Commander trailer, at the time they were the biggest wheeled vehicle allowed on British roads, a touch bigger than the Osh Kosh tank transporter in use today. 16 wheel stations to strip and rebuild, with a hangover! My workmate, and supervisor Corporal Mike told me we should take a break. When we got our cups of tea and went outside for a smoke he asked me if I knew Dave, I didn't. Cpl Mike then told me the tale of Dave and his bike!

So Dave (not his real name, although it might have been) was a real character, he hated the army and made it clear he wanted out. But his contract had a few years to run and he was stuck whether he liked it or not. Dave, as mentioned, was a bit of a character. One day he arrived at his workplace pushing an imaginary bicycle. He pushed it down the road from his accommodation to the HQ building, leant it against the wall and marched smartly over to fall in with his squad. His Sgt raised an eyebrow but left it as one of Dave's idiosyncrasies. The nominal roll was called, soldier's accounted for and detailed off to various tasks. Dave was given the job of unit mail orderly for the week. Off he went to the guardroom to collect the mail, he picked his imaginary bike up on the way and continued to push it around camp! This continued all week, some people asked him about, in the barrack block while he was cleaning and oiling his imaginary bike! He told them they were crazy if they couldn't see what a good bike it was.

This continued, for a month, he even took his bike out in the field with him for a week. He took it to the ranges and on PT!

Soon enough the CO had had his fill of Dave and his imaginary bike. He wanted it to stop so he gave Dave punishment parades. Dave turned up at the guardroom in immaculate uniform five minutes before his parade... leant his bike against the wall and stamped his feet to attention in front of the Sgt of the guard.

Matters escalated, he was interviewed by the unit Chaplain, Dave asked him if he wanted a bike too! He thought the Padre would be able to get round camp better with a bike like Daves!

Eventually, the unit M.O got involved. He could find no physical reason for Daves obsession and signed him off as sick. Dave spent his time on the ward polishing and oiling his bike!

Finally, after many months the Commandant signed of onnthe M.O's request to release Dave from service on grounds of insanity. Dave was interviewed by the M.O, marched over to the Commandant whilst pushing his bike, and the Commandant gave him his discharge papers. The Sergeant Major marched Dave down to the front gate and told him angrily to get on his bike and get out of here!

Dave looked at the Sergeant Major, checked his discharge papers, leant his imaginary bike against the wall and started walking off. The Sergeant Major called after him

"Hey, Dave, don't forget your bike you loony"!

To which Dave replied "Ah that's OK Sergeant Major, I don't need that anymore, I've got these" as he waved his discharge papers, turned his back and walked away from the army!

At this point I was laughing with amazement at Cpl Mike's story, I asked him if it was true, did he know Dave? Cpl Mike just smiled and waved me along to go back to work!

*Working hard and playing hard mainly seemed to consist of drinking too much in order to make physical training much more of a struggle than it would otherwise have been!

**Note to the Mods: I was a non commissioned officer and served 24 years, your rules mean nothing to me! 🤣🤣🤣