Hi again brothers and sisters. Even if the title changed, you might recognize me from my First Story, my Second Story and Third Story. Once again, thank you for all your support. Writing is my therapy, you reading it is part of it. Thank you for your caring and loving comments. Merci beaucoup.

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I’m French. I’m in the Army. I’m in the infantry and fucking proud of it. I do love embracing the suck and I always took everything with that « fuck it » mindset.

I am sure a lot of you guys have been deployed during the end of year festivities and spent Christmas away from your God-given family but surrounded by your Army-given one. You all know it has a certain... taste ?

Let me give you my insight on how I experienced it.

You receive your new orders and you will be deploying to the end of the year until the beginning of the next. It is not your first one, you're excited. Behind the excitation you have this little voice that warns you about the talk you will have once you're home. You'll have to hide this excitement and understand what they are going through.

They are worried, sad and disappointed. Worried that something will happen to you. You dodged and played with life before and you're going back like the lesson wasn't enough. They will wonder how long you'll be able to be lucky. They are sad. Sad because you'll be gone and it will be hard to talk to you from another continent. Disappointed because, once again, you won't be here for the winter, won't be here for the annual family gathering.

They dread the endless questions about how you're doing, where are you deployed, is it dangerous, when are you coming home and your annoying family member who did 1 year of mandatory service in a back shop in a sleepy base that try to explain to them what you're going through and how they should be proud.

You tell them that you're sorry to deploy, again. You hope they won't remember that you've been in country only for 8 months before being gone again. You just have this sorry face and can't find the right words to help calm their worries. You're not good at this. You're good at doing Army stuff but you're this incompetent man in social interactions with the ones who really matter.

They are used to it do not worry. As long as you come back in one piece, it will be alright. They know that they can't put everything on your shoulders because you have to be focused on the tasks to come.

---

It's been a couple months. Christmas is near and you're getting a bit tired of deployment. You have your habits, good and bad. The food is always the same and if you can get your hands on smokes and alcohol, the night is better. You sleep better with a buzz. Chain of command is trying to organize a Christmas party as to gather all the brothers and sisters together. Esprit de corps. Obviously chain of command will do a half-ass job because they were never trained to be managers even though it's what they are supposed to do day to day.

You are used to it and your small combat group is organizing its own party. Fuck everybody. You saved booze and smokes for weeks for this one night. Guard duty is boring and you just think about home and you're tired of that. You need that stress relief. One authorized opportunity to drink more than usual.

You miss them. They are back home leaving work for the Christmas holidays. They tell you how stressful work was for the past weeks, tell you all about the planning they have to go through to organize the road trip to the family gathering. You listen from a distant ear, you kind of shut down as to protect your morale. You tell them you wish to be with them all but... is that really true ? Think hard about it. I didn't think so.

Only thinking about the rain of questions you will get. How you will have to stand at a nice dinner table, not smoke while eating and drinking. No trash talk or a naked buddy dancing with his rifle just to make you all laugh. Obviously, you miss them but you're not sure how comfortable you would be in a social gathering like this one.

"How was it ? Was it dangerous ? Did you take fire ? I hope you killed a lot of them ! It was hard ? Well you signed up for this dummy hahaha !"... You know that you have the same sorry face from a few months before.

Your team leader is drinking shots of cheap vodka out of a .50 cal casing. Another is just video recording and laughing with tears in its eyes. Your buddy just got out of guard duty and is drinking out of the bottle. You're in the middle of this and looking around. You're with a bunch of weirdos, perverts and surprising personalities in the middle of a foreign country where people outside of your hesco walls wants to kill you. Yet, you feel safe with them, safer than anywhere in the world. They are your safe space.

Chain of Command organized a Secret Santa thingy but infantrybois being what they are, we're just offering porn collections, dirty socks for the one with feet fetish, OnlyFans subscriptions and second hand fleshlights. Chain of Command is horrified but who the fuck cares. We're supposed to only drink beers but we reek of whisky and vodka. They know, we know that they know but what can they do to all of us. Extra PT ?

You have a buzz and your phone rings. Family is calling. You look at it for a few seconds, hesitating between doing what you should and what you want. You have that one night to have real fun with the boys but family is waiting on your sorry face.

You go in a dark part of the FOB, where you have better internet and you press on that WhatsApp answering button. The light hurt your drunk eyes and you try to make a good figure.

"Here's our little soldier ! How are you doing ? Happy Christmas ! How's it...Where are yo...You look tir..."

They all talk altogether and the one that matters holds the phone and looks at you. They know that you are overwhelmed by the others here. They get in a few seconds what is your mental state, they saw it last Christmas on the same frontal camera.

You answer to what you hear. They are all happy, well dress in a well lit living room. Your screen is the only light on your face. They hope you're doing okay and that you're eating well. They all tell you to be safe. They go back to their life.

"Merry Christmas back home ! See you all soon"

You hang up and you don't see shit in the dark. You just lay against this armored vehicle and light a smoke. You don't even understand what happened. You hear your boys laughing and you just walk guided by the comforting sound of your safe place. You go back to your life.

Buddy who came out of guard duty didn't bother to get his gear off and just show the porn video he masturbates to in the bunker. We just hit him with beer cans while laughing, saying how disgusting he is, thinking about the time we did the same. One genius cook is making improved army rations and they are delicious. You drink more, you enjoy it because you don't have a lot. You sing Christmas songs and Army songs. You obviously joke about how the other is gay because he'd rather suck a dick than do a second tour in this shit hole. Life is good.

You feel better when you forget about home. You feel guilty but that is the reality of it.

---

You're back home. The whole family is here and you're the main focus point. Mind you, you like telling stories so it's okay. You're smart enough to tell the correct ones. They laugh and you're happy that they can understand some of it.

Do not close up. You slowly realize that you were protecting yourself out there. Were you angry because family couldn't understand what you were living ? Saying always the same bullshit you've heard hundreds of time ? It's not their fault, they don't know any better and that's a good thing. You know it.

Although, you have your moments and that family member that tells you :

"Hey, you say it was hard but you signed up for this ! Can't complain now"

Fuck you. We all thought it but kept it silent so that your girlfriend is not embarrassed, so your mother is not disappointed. In reality, fuck you.

You simply lash out by telling a real story, you want to provoke and show how tough you can be. Don't bother, they don't know any better and that's a good thing. You know it.

You go back to your life. Life is good. They ask you if you will be here next Christmas. You genuinely don't know but you wonder :

"Merry Christmas !"

Is it better over the phone or with them ?

---

Merry Christmas to you all brothers and sisters from all around the world. I truly hope you are all doing okay.

To all of you deployed, do the effort to talk to family. You might dread it now but it's worth it in the end.

I know, we know, that this is a difficult period of the year for a lot of us. Do not hesitate to reach out to your brothers and sisters.

You might need it, they might too.

Do not forget about your safe space, it will never entirely disappear.

---

If you feel alone or need a talk, reach out to me. Send me a chat and I'll be here. I'll be here because you guys are becoming my safe space.

Thank you, truly.

Shizzle