This post on r/army (and some of its comments) reminded me of some of the more creative claims I've seen over the past couple decades. I haven't posted here for a bit, so here we go.

"Where's your bike, dude?"

After some laptops went missing from brigade, the command decided to do a 100% contraband sweep of the barracks and the parking lot. They decided to bring out drug and bomb dogs, for some reason, even though, again, they were looking for, that's right, neither drugs nor bombs.

The military working dog crews were apparently either very poorly trained themselves, or they had very poorly trained dogs, or both. They were jumping all over cars and scratching the bejeezus out of anything their nails got hold of. So I ended up paying out a lot of money for scratched up paint jobs, about $500 per car.

(Plus one badly scratched laptop case. Computer still worked fine, so I offered the guy $100 loss of value to make it go away, and he happily did so.)

And then, there was the troop with the super special racing bike.

Supposedly the bike was some limited edition or something, with all kinds of custom decals. These scratched-up special decals could not be repaired, and he needed $4,000 in replacement parts to make things right.

We first tried settling it for $500 or so for loss of value, but nope. The troop was adamant and appealed. He provided estimates from bike shops that backed him up - yes, he did, in fact, need to replace those parts. A $500 touch-up paint job wasn't going to cut it. We did some homework to double check, and indeed, it looked like we were going to have to cut a check for four grand. OK, cool.

To complete the file, my paralegal called to get a copy of the vehicle title.

Wife answers the phone. "No, we don't have the title. The insurance company does."

Uh...what?

Turns out, in the time between filing his claim and appealing our initial offer, the dude totaled his bike. The insurance company paid out for the total loss - and not for a scratched up bike, but for full market value. Yet, they still thought they could get $4k from Uncle Sugar because...reasons?

Troop was warned about the potential impact of filing false claims. They wisely withdrew their request for reconsideration and went on their way.

"Nobody likes a tattletale, Danny."

My claims attorney came into my office, smelling a rat, and asked me to look at a claim file.

Married couple had moved to Germany and, among other things, packed a set of golf clubs. And they went missing. But not just any golf clubs. No, they claimed, these were expensive, like Ping Zing or Big Bertha or something.

Now, if they'd gotten destroyed and had showed up with the rest of their household goods, it would be easy enough to substantiate. But no, they were just gone.

Also, the inventory just said "golf clubs". Not Big Bertha golf clubs, no serial number on the high value inventory, nothing. No, just "golf clubs."

OK. Got a receipt?

Nope. The guy claimed he'd bought them from a vendor at Augusta National Golf Club when he'd gone to see the Masters. It was a cash sale. He had no receipt.

OK. Sorry. No receipt, best we can do is a generic replacement cost. I think we offered $500.

Guy says he'd see what he could do and get back to us.

He came in a week or so later with a hand-written bill of sale, from something like "Bob's Golf Clubs." It had a phone number. OK, thinks my claims attorney, let me call and just check.

Woman answers. "Hello?"

"Hi, is Bob there?"

A pregnant pause, then: "...Who?"

"Is Bob there? Is this Bob's Golf Clubs?"

Another pause.

"...uh...sorry, can you call back in an hour? Bob's...out."

OK. My attorney calls back in an hour. The same woman answers.

"Bob's Golf Clubs, this is Sheila, how can I help you?"

Now it's a professional song and dance. But my attorney is, unsurprisingly, suspicious. So he chats with "Sheila," then comes to me to make sure he's not being paranoid.

I look through the file. I check the bill of sale. I go through the rest of the paperwork...

..and the number for "Bob's Golf Clubs" was in the file -- as the point of contact for the troop filing the claim.

Dude had Google Voice or something, and the call had been redirected to his wife's cell. Between our phone calls, she'd called the troop, and they tried to get their stories straight.

It's been about 15 years, so I don't remember if we charged them both for fraud. I think we'd've had to turn her over to the Germans, so I think we just charged him. Maybe we just revoked her command sponsorship and sent her home.

"Anyone want to go higher than 3 bills on this? It's got a moon on it."

This one's quick and dirty. Dude's watch got broken, and he thought he'd be smart and claim it was a Rolex or something.

Let's start with the fact that no mover is EVER going to just pack up a Rolex. Hell no. They'd tell you to wear it on the plane. But even assuming they packed it, it'd have to go on a high value inventory in order to actually recover, which means, write down serial number, etc.

Let's then continue with the fact that the broken watch...was a fake.

No, dude. This is not our first time.

He was pending other issues, so I believe the fraud charge was just added to the pile.

"...in a U-Haul, down by the river!"

I think this one's my favorite. I wasn't in claims at this point, but I was claims-adjacent.

Fort Huachuca, Arizona, is not far from the Mexican border, and the National Forest land that was between the border and the post was not exactly heavily patrolled. So we had sensors up in the mountains to tell us when we might have a group of migrants passing through.

(What kind of sensors, you might ask? Man, I don't know. The kind I didn't look at. I worked in the legal office.)

The MPs were up Huachuca Canyon checking out a sensor alarm when they noticed a U-Haul trailer pulled over by the very rocky creek bed, and a guy picking up lage rocks and piling them inside.

Turns out he was getting separated for misconduct, but the command had opted to let him go with just a General (Under Honorable Conditions) discharge, instead of the less favorable "Other Than Honorable" discharge. That way, the command didn't have to convene a board hearing, and the troop kept some benefits. Such as, in theory, getting his move home paid for.

Apparently, he decided he deserved a parting gift from the Army, in the form of his Do-It-Yourself move. He didn't have a lot of stuff to take home, so he decided to pad the bill a little. As required, he weighed his trailer empty, then drove on post to start loading up rocks. The plan until the MPs showed up, was to weigh it full, chuck the rocks, and profit.

The MPs called me up to ask what they should do. It was Friday afternoon, and I was feeling generous. (I also wanted to go home.) So I offered two options.

One, you can file a claim for your move, and we'll prosecute you for attempted fraud, take all your benefits away, and send you home with a federal conviction.

Or two, you can go on your merry way and pay for your own dadgum move.

He picked two. Wise kid.