Nothing too horrible or crazy in this one; heck, I'd almost say it's downright wholesome. I even had my own special uniform at the end!

So, at one point in my illustrious US Navy career I got to show some guests around the ship. The ship was an old nuclear aircraft carrier we called the Mobile Chernobyl (4 times the reactors, 4 times the fun!), and was more than 20 years older than me at the time. She didn't age gracefully. She happened to be pierside for repairs at the time.

The guests were staying at the Air Force base at Langley, and were a bunch of the Air Force-wide "Airmen of the Year," all various ranks; I think there was an E1-E3 category, E4 and E5, etc. They told us how they got chosen, and it was all stuff like "Best headquarters clerk on the whole base, with 20 collateral duties, and well shined boots!" Plus most were female, and looked how all Navy men thought all Air Force women looked, which couldn't have hurt their odds.

I, on the other hand, was a rather jaded E5 at this point, but I could always fake positivity and being social (I'm really not social in the least, and after learning the term "masking" and what that implies, I have questions), so I gave them the grand tour. I took a lot of joy in their horror at the prospect of the 2 back to back cruises I'd just done, living in the empty berthing compartments we showed them (google image search "us navy berthing" for an idea; the ones with lots of red handles and blue curtains on tan racks are the accurate ones). They also thought the stairs were terrifying; regular shipboard stairs are maybe 60° or 70° angles. So, I had many a good natured chuckle at their shocked and astonished exclamations; hence the title of the post!

We always perceived the Chair Force as having all the nice stuff; they definitely had a WAY nicer gym, so I'd go to Langley to work out (my apartment was in Hampton, so it was actually closer than Norfolk). They even had a better "Korean ladies' barbershop outside the gate" than we did! (WAY nicer; they had some vacuum thingy that massaged your head while it sucked off the little pieces of hair, they did the hot lather and straight razor on the back of your neck routine, place was awesome).

Now, I, on the other hand, was not gunning for "Sailor of the Year." I was within 6 months of getting out, which allowed me to wear the special one time only short timer's uniform. You see, I was in when the Navy was transitioning uniforms from Utilities to the blue digital camo, and the transition was final about 5.5 months before my terminal leave started. However, they said if you went on terminal within 6 months of the transition date, you could keep wearing utilities, and didn't need to buy the new uniforms.

So, when the USAF's shiniest young airmen came to take their grand tour, I had my unique Short Timer's uniform. No starch, and I refused to iron; I just hung it up straight out of the dryer. It was wrinkle free, but you'd need a magnifying glass to figure out where the creases had ever been. My boots were only black because of black spray paint applied over all the other stains. My very last misbeggoten fuck had long since been spent, but I gave those young, eager eyed kids a lovely tour, and energetically wished them A Fine Navy Day!

Editted to add: At my second least favorite duty station along my journey, there was an older student who, lo, those many years ago, was stuck working security in between classes, and was checking IDs on the way in. Every time he granted someone permission to enter, he'd do it by giving them a beaming ear to ear smile, and booming "Thank You, Shipmate! And Have A Fine Navy Day!"

A year later, at a different command, he confirmed to us it was because he hated us all, and knew nothing would make us madder. He was as brilliant as he was sociopathic.