This story is four years old, but I'm keeping the present tense. Lightly edited. Enjoy.

So, I literally just got off the phone with him. He recently enlisted and is in Army AIT right now. (He joined to be a mechanic on Apache weapons systems.) It is a long training session. Strangely, they get to have their cell phones in their downtime, but otherwise are treated like very small children in regards to what they can and cannot have in their barracks. I was actually shocked the first time he called and texted from AIT.

They had a Health and Wellness check today. In my day they just called it "fuckin inspection" but whatever. So when he calls, he is laughing so hard it took him a bit to settle down and talk. In his room today they found and confiscated from him:

• A pair of scissors (left over from his previous room mate, and my nephew hadn't tossed them yet)
• A small cactus, named Curtis, who wasn't hurting any fucking body.
• A piece of candy. You aren't allowed to have food or drinks, including candy, in your rooms.

But it wasn't just candy. It was a lollicock.

Yes, a cock shaped lollipop.

Now, I have often teased my nephew about his sexual orientation, even though he is straight. Partly because uncles tease about shit, but even his mother has joked about it, he sometimes just looks a bit metrosexual I guess is a way to put it. But I digress.

As all the concept of a cock shaped lollipop flashed through my mind, he explained before I could question him about why he wanted a cock in his mouth: It was a gag gift from the same room mate. He had tossed it in a drawer and forgot.

But that wasn't the worst of it. With the company 1SG and company CO standing there, they also confiscated a dildo from a male soldier and a fleshlight from another. Word of all this interesting sexual contraband is being talked about up and down the building.

While this is happening, some of the soldiers are singing the lyrics to Lollipop by the Chordettes from down the hall. The 1SG had to go to another room to laugh, and my nephew heard him say "I shouldn't be laughing."

Yes, Top, you should be laughing. That shit is funny.

They also found some (cliche) poorly hidden-in-the-ceiling alcohol. Come on boot, get it together.

Update on the Nephew: Thinking about getting out at the end of his six years. Recently married a very nice nurse. Has bought and is rebuilding his first motorcycle. I think I've had too much influence on the boy. :)

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